What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
15.06.2025 05:28
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
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I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
We were not on the streets..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But ive been too sick for many years..
One cannot live in the past .
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I have no regrets .
Im still living with it.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Is using tech to track or monitor your partner’s activities a sign of love, insecurity, or control?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Why do British people always write "xxx" after their names?
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But, we were locked up after school.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
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Comes on , in middle age.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
(And it was in our own minds.)
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
My life is so biszare .
Why didn’t Obito confront Kakashi after he witnessed him kill Rin?
This is soul school!.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
How do schizophrenia symptoms change throughout the day?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He knew the spot.
What has been your best sexual experience?
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
She loved him until the end.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
My family never makes their pension either.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I was very sick at this time too.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I never cut or harmed myself..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I was 9 years of age.
All the time i was locked up.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I waited trembling.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She found it foreign!.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I write beautiful poetry .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
She was in good health!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I don,t even have a pension.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I was seconnd youngest,
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Ive learnt so much.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She married twice! .
But it wasn’t much.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I will be 64.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
And i lived it daily.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I think the readers, may guess!
When she asked me how she looked .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Who then, do I blame.?
As i do to all so called friends.?
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Would this be the day?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I know ,a lot about trauma.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I could never make a relationship work though!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I couldn’t, believe it.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He resisted the act ,that day.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Put me off passion for life!!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
It was going to be , some day.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I was scared of men, in general
So whats the point in blame.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
We all went to grammer schools
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
What did i know ?
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She wouldn,t have been !
So, i spoilt her more .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He was dying to do it , i knew.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I said to her
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.